Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
OUR MINDS ARE WIRED FOR SAFETY.
But our nervous system and brain seek out patterns and predictability in our environment. So ‘safe’ to you, unknowingly, may actually be a constant heightened state of stress, dysregulation, unhealthy relationships, or emotionally turbulent or anxiety-evoking environments.
Safety to our nervous system and minds = familiarity.
And familiarity doesn’t always equal safety.
Whatever feels normal to our nervous system, is what feels safe, and you will continue to seek those similar things into your life. So if you’re conditioned to chaos, then when something chaotic happens, your nervous system says “oh I love this, it feels familiar!” even though it is unlikely to be a healthy situation.
This is why change, particularly for the better, can be daunting and challenging. This is why you feel stuck, stagnant, and keep repeating patterns.
YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM DEFINED WHAT ‘SAFE’ FELT LIKE BY THE AGE OF SEVEN.
What was life like for you from the age of 0-7? Do you remember what kind of environment you grew up in? Was it rushed, chaotic, loud, intrusive, turbulent, passive-aggressive, suppressive, forceful, limiting, private? There is so much we can learn from ourselves as adults now, by reflecting back onto our childhood experience and environment.
How are you repeating these experiences and feelings in your life now? Without having healed, you subconsciously recreate this familiarity in your workplace, your intimate relationships, your parenting, your friendships, your current home environment.
These patterns are deeply ingrained in our nervous system because we’ve experienced them repeatedly over time. Our brain perceives them as safe simply because they are known.
HOW CAN I HEAL AND ACTUALLY FEEL SAFE?
The first step is always awareness. Recognising what your patterns are, what has always been familiar to you, what state your nervous system is predominantly in (fight/flight, freeze/shutdown etc), what triggers you and how you react.
Defining what safety actually is for you, allows you to actively seek and move toward it. To choose something better.
Any time you have a reaction and go into a heightened state, you will now have the awareness that your mind is just trying to keep you safe. Be kind and patient with yourself during this progress. Recognise your minds reaction, acknowledge it, thank it for wanting the best for you, and choose differently. You might be having a visceral response, but you can choose to come back to regulation and a sense of safety within yourself. Your body is telling you there is a threat to your survival happening because something unfamiliar has arose, but you are an adult and in control of your own life, and you can now define what safety means for you (not familiarity).
MY FAVOURITE PRACTICES.
SHAKING: When I find myself going into a state of fight/flight (usually triggered by a needy or highly emotional toddler), I physically shake my entire body, immediately expelling that excess energy that my body has just produced in order to fight or flee, for about 5 minutes. Go crazy. It’s wild how much of a shift this immediately created in my life.
GLIMMERS: Recognise what your glimmers are, and do more of those. What makes you feel calm? Safe? A sense of peace, relaxing of the shoulders and softening?
JOURNALING: Journaling releases all of the noise from my brain, instantly.
MANTRAS: When feeling myself become heightened because “I need to do this/go here right now”, I remind myself “there is plenty of time, there is plenty of time”
LEAN INTO POSITIVE CHANGE: Whenever an opportunity that feels aligned, also scares the shit out of me, I lean the hell in and push myself out of comfort because I know that the things that scare us the most, are also what will provide the greatest growth.
HOLD YOURSELF: When I’m feeling triggered and unsafe, like during a difficult conversation with someone, I’ll hold my arms around myself, literally holding myself in an embrace, sometimes stroking my arms too to remember I am safe. This is also a beautiful action to take when needing to release emotion.
THE UNFAMILIAR HEAVEN.
The unfamiliar heaven symbolises the potential for positive change and personal growth. It’s working with the coach, enrolling in the course, paying a bond for your dream apartment that’s stretching the budget but also stretching your capacity to earn more, it’s booking the damn flight, moving states, taking a risk, releasing control and shoving your ego and ‘safety’ out of the driver seat.
It’s that “holy shit” moment, in an aeroplane 15,000 feet in the air, about to jump out. It’s the exhilarating rush of adrenaline when your brain says “this is a bad idea” but you just jump.
It’s the things that will inevitably shift you out of your safety and comfort, your familiar, and push you into exponential growth.
This is a quantum leap. When you feel the fear and do it anyway.
IT’S NATURAL TO INITIALLY REPEL CHANGE.
Change for the better represents uncertainty, and our brains perceive uncertainty as a potential threat. It’s in our biology, it’s how we’re wired. It disrupts the familiar patterns, and forces our nervous system to adapt to new circumstances, instead of our brain’s natural tendency to prioritise safety and survival.
It’s normal to feel hesitancy and apprehension about leaving your familiar hell behind.
Be gentle with yourself. It’s a process, a practice. As you gradually embrace the unfamiliar heaven, and listen to your intuitive nudges and pulls, you’ll find deep inner transformation, a greater trust within yourself, increased self worth, a deep sense of accomplishment, and phenomenal exterior changes.
Lean in to your fear, trust in your ability to adapt, and take the leap.
