5 Things I learned from "Attached"
“Attached” is a book about attachment theory - explaining the secure, anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I persoanlly started reading this because I felt I was avoidant with money and wanted to heal this so I could get out of my own way and start living the life I truly desire, and I know money and love are directly correlated so I looked into my own attachment style. Here’s what I learned:
1.ANXIOUS ATTRACTS AVOIDANT (and vice versa). The anxious person takes on the role of being overly loving and clingy, so that the avoidant doesn’t have to. Anxious attachment styles actually exacerbate avoidance. But you’re both addicted to the highs and lows of being with someone who keeps you guessing all the time (this relates to nervous system and cortisol addiction).
2. YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE FLUCTUATES. Your style is stable, but plastic. Your style may change depending on who you date, and it may change frequently with one person, turning into a dance of the anxious-avoidant (have recently experienced this myself)
3. 50% OF THE POPULATION ARE SECURE. But you haven’t witnessed a secure relationship yet because you’re in the dance of the anxious-avoidant. Imagine having a dependable partner who makes you feel safe and reassures you in hard times, so that you can explore other aspects of your life that makes our existence meaningful??
4. DEPENDANCY IS NOT BAD!! This was a wake up call for me, especially with semi-avoidant tendencies. The co-dependancy movement was initially intended to support families with members dealing with substance abuse, but we’ve taken it on as it being deemed unhealthy to ‘need’ someone, when we’re actually biologically wired to become one physiological unit when attaching to a partner - even our blood pressure, heart rate breathing and level of hormones in our blood is regulated by them 🤯
5. BEING ARMED WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE, WILL MAKE YOU STOP SETTLING FOR LESS. Because it’s really that simple — if you want to be in a healthy, supportive, loving relationship, then you’re gonna stop settling for the wankers who leave you on read, keep playing hot and cold, and utterly f*ck with your nervous system regulation. Also recognising your potential (or existent) lovers attachment style, makes you realise that the problems in your relationship really aren’t about you at all.
You’re not broken if you’re avoidant or anxious. You became this way as a coping mechanism of survival as a child, and still carry those tendencies now. You haven’t been shown that the world is safe. But the first step toward your healing is acknowledgement and awareness, to then move into valuing yourself enough to know that you deserve a secure relationship.
